How you can help

Supporting someone who self harms can be very difficult and challenging. Knowing that someone you care about is in emotional distress can create many feelings including fear, anger, frustration, helplessness and sadness. Try to make sure you have a way of dealing with your own feelings as the person you are supporting is going to need all the patience, understanding and support you can give.

Remember that the individual you are supporting is in distress, their actions are not intended to make you suffer. Try to imagine how desperate you would have to be feeling to cause actual physical harm to yourself.

Many people who self harm feel completely ashamed and isolated by their difficulties. The best source or support you can give is to reduce this shame and isolation by providing an unconditional relationship. Allow the person to express their feelings whatever these may be as this might be fundamental to their recovery.

Don't ask the person to stop harming themselves 'for you'. If the individual works towards reducing or stopping their self harm they must do so in their own time and for their own reasons. If they just do it to make you happy it will not be sustainable or may cause them to hide it. It may also leave them feeling like you just want them to change; that they are not accepted or understood and this may in turn lead to them feeling even more isolated and distressed.

Self harm is very often the individuals way of coping and staying alive. People who self harm are more likely to commit suicide than the general public but their harm may be the one thing that keeps them going; to take this away from them, encourage them to hide it, or stop for the wrong reasons may lead to them feeling so overwhelmed with their feelings and experiences and may lead to suicidal feelings or actions.

It is really important to remember that self harm is VERY different to suicidal intent, but at times the two may be close. Someone who is suicidal feels as if they can't take anymore and their only option is to end their life, whereas someone who self harms feels that they can't take anymore (of whatever they're feeling) and their only option is to harm themselves in order to stay alive.

If you tell them to STOP when they're not ready, imagine what they could feel their only option is.

The most constructive way to deal with self harm is to stay calm, try not to be alarmed or show your fears. There are many things that can help: it may be that the individual needs structured therapy from a mental health professional, or that the compassionate support of family and friends is enough to aid their recovery.

The most helpful treatment for people who self harm is any talking therapy that usually takes place over a number of months or years.